When I was put on my first diet at the age of 10 by a well-meaning doctor and then enforced by my even more well-meaning mother, there was always this magic number that the medical community thought should be on the scale for me. As I entered adulthood and continued to battle with my weight that number seemed to loom further and further into the distance. My dieting lineage is both deep and varied. I've tried everything from American Heart Associations's diets, Body for Life, Six Week Body Make Over, Atkins, South Beach, HCG, Weight Watchers (at least 5 times), Jenny Craig and so many that I know I'm forgetting about. On each of these diets I found temporary success...but never even got close to that "goal weight". In 2006 I even went as far as having a lap band surgery. I found some success with this procedure as well. At the time of my surgery I was at my highest weight, just over 300 pounds. Over the next 3 years I would lose and gain and lose again...I made it all the way down to 202...but then gained most of it back again up to 271.
My heart and my spirit were both broken. I didn't know what to do. As had happened so many times before, I had thrown in the towel only to pick that towel up again (as well as all of my dashed hopes) and try again.
In April 2010, I happened to be watching the Oprah show. She had an author on her show named Janeen Roth who had recently published a book called Women, Food and God. It sounded interesting enough for me to go out and buy it to see what new light could be shed on my battle with my bulge. That same week, I went to dinner with some girl friends. I cannot remember exactly how the topic came up, but one of the girls started talking about a book her nutrition professor in college had shared with her called Intuitive Eating. Again, it sounded interesting enough for me to go out and buy it as well. These two books didn't really have a "new" message...but for some reason the messages they had seemed to sink in to my brain in a "new" way. The message basically is that DIETS DO NOT WORK. They will work temporarily, but in the long run our bodies will always compensate for the deprivation from the diet. What I needed to do was be kinder to myself through thoughts, words, and deeds (including and especially my eating and exercise) and give myself what I really, really WANTED. Please note I did NOT say what I NEED. It truly was what I WANT.
I began doing just that...I promised myself I would ask myself what I really wanted to eat that day and how I really wanted to exercise that day and I PROMISED myself that I would do whatever that answer turned out to be. Even if it was ice cream for breakfast. I was scared to death that by giving myself the freedom to have what I wanted that I would soon weigh 500 pounds, but I was ready to start being kinder to myself in so many ways.
After a couple of weeks, the weight started to come off. What I noticed right away is that when I ate what I wanted I almost always would eat less. And when I exercised how I wanted, I would almost always work out harder. I also noticed that when I really listened to my body, it would often want good things...fruits and vegetables and other things that I had been forcing myself to eat were all of a sudden a literal craving for me.
In January of this year (2012), I reached my "goal weight", at least according to the (blasted!) BMI charts...I weighed 145 pounds. I thought that I had finally arrived. But as I continued to listen to my body and follow my new health lifestyle and thinking pattern, I've actually lost another 15 pounds. For the last 3 months my weight has maintained at between 130-135 pounds and I finally feel I'm at the healthy weight for me.
It still absolutely blows my mind when I think that I have lost 170 pounds...more than I weigh right now. It also absolutely blows my mind that I have gone from a size 26W to a size 4/6. I finally feel like I look on the outside how I've always felt on the inside. For me the "Weight REALLY is OVER". I know this will be something I am conscious of and aware about for the rest of my life. But I also know that I have found my own secret sauce....being kind to myself and trusting that I am a good, smart, and deserving person who can have what I want. This is the first time I am able to have my cake AND eat it too!
