Finally....having my cake AND eating it too!

Well...after many years of dieting, gaining, crying, dieting, exercising, gaining, dieting, more crying, a major surgery, dieting, gaining, even more crying...I have finally made it.  To where you may be asking??  To my "goal weight".  I actually reached my "goal weight" about 4 times in the past several months, and that's because I really didn't know what my body's goal weight was suppose to be.

When I was put on my first diet at the age of 10 by a well-meaning doctor and then enforced by my even more well-meaning mother, there was always this magic number that the medical community thought should be on the scale for me.  As I entered adulthood and continued to battle with my weight that number seemed to loom further and further into the distance.  My dieting lineage is both deep and varied.  I've tried everything from American Heart Associations's diets, Body for Life, Six Week Body Make Over, Atkins, South Beach, HCG, Weight Watchers (at least 5 times), Jenny Craig and so many that I know I'm forgetting about. On each of these diets I found temporary success...but never even got close to that "goal weight".  In 2006 I even went as far as having a lap band surgery.  I found some success with this procedure as well.  At the time of my surgery I was at my highest weight, just over 300 pounds.  Over the next 3 years I would lose and gain and lose again...I made it all the way down to 202...but then gained most of it back again up to 271.

My heart and my spirit were both broken. I didn't know what to do. As had happened so many times before, I had thrown in the towel only to pick that towel up again (as well as all of my dashed hopes) and try again.

In April 2010, I happened to be watching the Oprah show. She had an author on her show named Janeen Roth who had recently published a book called Women, Food and God.  It sounded interesting enough for me to go out and buy it to see what new light could be shed on my battle with my bulge.  That same week, I went to dinner with some girl friends.  I cannot remember exactly how the topic came up, but one of the girls started talking about a book her nutrition professor in college had shared with her called Intuitive Eating.  Again, it sounded interesting enough for me to go out and buy it as well.  These two books didn't really have a "new" message...but for some reason the messages they had seemed to sink in to my brain in a "new" way.  The message basically is that DIETS DO NOT WORK.  They will work temporarily, but in the long run our bodies will always compensate for the deprivation from the diet.  What I needed to do was be kinder to myself through thoughts, words, and deeds (including and especially my eating and exercise) and give myself what I really, really WANTED.  Please note I did NOT say what I NEED. It truly was what I WANT.

I began doing just that...I promised myself I would ask myself what I really wanted to eat that day and how I really wanted to exercise that day and I PROMISED myself that I would do whatever that answer turned out to be.  Even if it was ice cream for breakfast.  I was scared to death that by giving myself the freedom to have what I wanted that I would soon weigh 500 pounds, but I was ready to start being kinder to myself in so many ways.

After a couple of weeks, the weight started to come off.  What I noticed right away is that when I ate what I wanted I almost always would eat less.  And when I exercised how I wanted, I would almost always work out harder.  I also noticed that when I really listened to my body, it would often want good things...fruits and vegetables and other things that I had been forcing myself to eat were all of a sudden a literal craving for me.

In January of this year (2012), I reached my "goal weight", at least according to the (blasted!)  BMI charts...I weighed 145 pounds.  I thought that I had finally arrived.  But as I continued to listen to my body and follow my new health lifestyle and thinking pattern, I've actually lost another 15 pounds.  For the last 3 months my weight has maintained at between 130-135 pounds and I finally feel I'm at the healthy weight for me.

It still absolutely blows my mind when I think that I have lost 170 pounds...more than I weigh right now.  It also absolutely blows my mind that I have gone from a size 26W to a size 4/6.  I finally feel like I look on the outside how I've always felt on the inside.  For me the "Weight REALLY is OVER".  I know this will be something I am conscious of and aware about for the rest of my life.  But I also know that I have found my own secret sauce....being kind to myself and trusting that I am a good, smart, and deserving person who can have what I want.  This is the first time I am able to have my cake AND eat it too!

100 Pounds....

Hey everyone!

I have recently reached a MAJOR milestone and wanted to share it with all of you. I have (finally!!) officially lost 100 pounds!! I've actually lost 104 to be exact, but who's counting (I AM!!!) I've just been plugging along taking it day by day. It's really hard for me to express how different this feels compared to all of the other times that I have lost weight. First of all, this is the most weight I've ever lost before, but more importantly I am so happy! It's not just that I'm happy with my results, but I am literally happy every single day of this journey. I finally feel free of "dieting" and am just listening to myself and really taking care of myself mentally, physcially, emotionally...the best word for my life right now is contentment.

I always wondered what 100 pounds would look like...to some people it might look like this...get it?? 100 British pounds!! Haha! But to me it looks more like this....

100 Pounds.....

Hello world...

Hey everyone!

Just wanted to drop a quick note and let you all know that I am still alive and kicking...in fact I am really doing very well. Since my last post, I've gained a new perspective on myself.

Through a series of events, I feel like I have finally made friends with myself and with my body. I didn't realize what a war zone I have been in my entire life with myself. How much I didn't like my body and how mean I have been to myself. About the time of my last post (July 2010) I found two books that have really changed my outlook. One is "Intuitive Eating" and the other is "Women, Food, and God". These two books have really helped me to get change my thinking about losing weight. They have helped me realize why the (hundreds) diets that I have been on since about the age of 10 have really gotten me to where I am today. I had heard so many times that losing weight needed to be a lifestyle change, but I never understood that like I do now. I would highly recommend the books to anyone who wants clarity in their lives regarding health, wellness, and sanity! I don't want to sound like a wack-job or like I've drank the company Kool-aid or anything, but the insights I've learned from these books have completely changed my life. I hope you will check them out.

As a side note...since my July post...I've lost 48 pounds!

No More Hiding...

Hello everyone!

It is shocking to me that it has been nearly a year since my last post...and the truth is that I have been hiding from you! The last year has been brutal drive on the weight loss journey...filled with a several potholes and then the engine finally just exploded, and there I was, sitting fuming and disabled on the side of the road! I decided that I would write to you as soon as I got it under control and was able to lose the weight I had started to gain, but it as the months ticked by, I realized it wasn't happening.

So...unfortunately I have gained some of my weight back, a lot actually. The hard part about this is that I had PROMISED myself that this would never happen to me. I have seen it happen with friends, with family, and with celebrities on television (always thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have such a public battle). But the truth is that it has happened. It's not the first time I have lost weight and then gained it back...but that being said, it doesn't make it any easier either!

As I write this to you, I am not in the depths of despair...in fact I am feeling really good and hopeful and happy. Even though I have a whole closet pants and skirts that are a little too tight to wear at the moment, I recently have felt a resurgance of motivation and optimism. For a long time I thought that I was hiding my weight gain from everyone...and that if I didn't acknowledge it or say it out loud that it wouldn't really be true. Then it came to the point that I knew it must be obvious that I had gained weight again, but was too ashamed to talk about it, for some reason I felt like everyone would be disappointed in me, or be mad or disgusted with me...as if they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore OR spend time with me...like I thought they would be embarrased of me.

When the day came that I finally said it out loud to a girlfriend, she was surprised to hear how much I had gained, but that I was still her same beautiful, funny, sassy friend that I had been a year ago and that any change was all in my head. Now, I know that there has been an actual physical change in the size of my butt, but the fact is that I really am all of those things that she said I am. I am still attractive, I am still funny, I am still pretty darn sassy, and most of all, I am still on this difficult journey of finding the health and happiness I am searching for through losing weight.

Writing about it in this blog is really quite theraputic for me, and I look forward to recording my accomplishments, my thoughts, and even my setbacks....I've really missed that over the past several months.

Something to Celebrate

This week was my birthday. I have always loved having a birthday in August. It is the end of summer time and everyone is trying to still celebrate the warm weather and freedom before the changes of autumn come around.

This year, I decided to give myself a birthday present...I decided to give myself the gift of health, confidence, self-control, and a big thing for me right now...weight loss. I told all of my family and friends that I didn't want food to be a part of any of our celebrations. I was completely surprised at the reactions I got.

Every year I go to dinner with my parents around my birthday. This year, I told them I just wanted to go to a movie instead. My dad was so worried about it. He kept trying to find a way to work some kind of food into our night out. He told me that he knew I was trying to be more healthy, so he wondered if we could go out for a salad. I told him no. No food in our celebrations. Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring me some fruit and we could snack on it during the movie. I told him no. When we were sitting in the movie, he kept trying to talk me into a diet soda. I told him no. It was really hard for him not to want to celebrate with me with some kind of food.

I had countless friends who called me during the week who wanted to go out to dinner or lunch. I kept telling them no, that I would really like to do something that didn't involve food. At first people were at a total loss...but then we thought of a lot of other things we could do. During the week and with different friends I went for a walk, I played golf, I went shopping, I went to another movie, I started planning a vacation, I went and had my palm read, I went to a cabin with a bunch of friends and we ended up talking late into the night.

I really had a great week and learned that I am a strong person. It is really hard not to give in to the social pressures that surround us involving food. We use it to celebrate and to socialize and I learned that I don't need to use it that way. I can enjoy being with my friends and family wihtout having food being the center of the experience. That isn't to say that I am not going to enjoy food and that I am totally taking it out of my socializing, however I am saying that again I learned another lesson in control and in truly giving myself what I wanted for my own birthday. Because of this attitude and decision I lost another 3.5 pounds at my weigh in again this week! Hooray!

On Top of the World

Today was another great weigh-in...in the past two weeks I have lost another 9.2 pounds. It feels so good to be back in control of myself. I am doing everything that I know I should be doing.

In my job I eat out with wholesalers 3-4 times per week. Sometimes it is breakfasts and sometimes it is lunch. I have learned that I don't need to feel uncomfortable when I request my meal made without oils or butter, when I ask for my dressings and sauces on the side. At first all of the guys were giving me a hard time about it, but now I am seeing more and more of them trying to make healthy choices and be more aware of what they are eating.

Now that I am on a roll I am excited to keep the momentum going. I feel like my old self again. It feels so good to have my clothes start fitting better again. It was so hard the past couple of months as I could feel them getting tighter and tighter. I hated all of my clothes and didn't feel like I had anything to wear. There were some clothes that I had bought in February right before I got my kidney stones and was thrown in a weight gain tail-spin that I haven't been able to wear the past couple months. I am soooo glad that I caught myself before things got too out of control. Now I feel like I am on top of the world.