Finally....having my cake AND eating it too!

Well...after many years of dieting, gaining, crying, dieting, exercising, gaining, dieting, more crying, a major surgery, dieting, gaining, even more crying...I have finally made it.  To where you may be asking??  To my "goal weight".  I actually reached my "goal weight" about 4 times in the past several months, and that's because I really didn't know what my body's goal weight was suppose to be.

When I was put on my first diet at the age of 10 by a well-meaning doctor and then enforced by my even more well-meaning mother, there was always this magic number that the medical community thought should be on the scale for me.  As I entered adulthood and continued to battle with my weight that number seemed to loom further and further into the distance.  My dieting lineage is both deep and varied.  I've tried everything from American Heart Associations's diets, Body for Life, Six Week Body Make Over, Atkins, South Beach, HCG, Weight Watchers (at least 5 times), Jenny Craig and so many that I know I'm forgetting about. On each of these diets I found temporary success...but never even got close to that "goal weight".  In 2006 I even went as far as having a lap band surgery.  I found some success with this procedure as well.  At the time of my surgery I was at my highest weight, just over 300 pounds.  Over the next 3 years I would lose and gain and lose again...I made it all the way down to 202...but then gained most of it back again up to 271.

My heart and my spirit were both broken. I didn't know what to do. As had happened so many times before, I had thrown in the towel only to pick that towel up again (as well as all of my dashed hopes) and try again.

In April 2010, I happened to be watching the Oprah show. She had an author on her show named Janeen Roth who had recently published a book called Women, Food and God.  It sounded interesting enough for me to go out and buy it to see what new light could be shed on my battle with my bulge.  That same week, I went to dinner with some girl friends.  I cannot remember exactly how the topic came up, but one of the girls started talking about a book her nutrition professor in college had shared with her called Intuitive Eating.  Again, it sounded interesting enough for me to go out and buy it as well.  These two books didn't really have a "new" message...but for some reason the messages they had seemed to sink in to my brain in a "new" way.  The message basically is that DIETS DO NOT WORK.  They will work temporarily, but in the long run our bodies will always compensate for the deprivation from the diet.  What I needed to do was be kinder to myself through thoughts, words, and deeds (including and especially my eating and exercise) and give myself what I really, really WANTED.  Please note I did NOT say what I NEED. It truly was what I WANT.

I began doing just that...I promised myself I would ask myself what I really wanted to eat that day and how I really wanted to exercise that day and I PROMISED myself that I would do whatever that answer turned out to be.  Even if it was ice cream for breakfast.  I was scared to death that by giving myself the freedom to have what I wanted that I would soon weigh 500 pounds, but I was ready to start being kinder to myself in so many ways.

After a couple of weeks, the weight started to come off.  What I noticed right away is that when I ate what I wanted I almost always would eat less.  And when I exercised how I wanted, I would almost always work out harder.  I also noticed that when I really listened to my body, it would often want good things...fruits and vegetables and other things that I had been forcing myself to eat were all of a sudden a literal craving for me.

In January of this year (2012), I reached my "goal weight", at least according to the (blasted!)  BMI charts...I weighed 145 pounds.  I thought that I had finally arrived.  But as I continued to listen to my body and follow my new health lifestyle and thinking pattern, I've actually lost another 15 pounds.  For the last 3 months my weight has maintained at between 130-135 pounds and I finally feel I'm at the healthy weight for me.

It still absolutely blows my mind when I think that I have lost 170 pounds...more than I weigh right now.  It also absolutely blows my mind that I have gone from a size 26W to a size 4/6.  I finally feel like I look on the outside how I've always felt on the inside.  For me the "Weight REALLY is OVER".  I know this will be something I am conscious of and aware about for the rest of my life.  But I also know that I have found my own secret sauce....being kind to myself and trusting that I am a good, smart, and deserving person who can have what I want.  This is the first time I am able to have my cake AND eat it too!

100 Pounds....

Hey everyone!

I have recently reached a MAJOR milestone and wanted to share it with all of you. I have (finally!!) officially lost 100 pounds!! I've actually lost 104 to be exact, but who's counting (I AM!!!) I've just been plugging along taking it day by day. It's really hard for me to express how different this feels compared to all of the other times that I have lost weight. First of all, this is the most weight I've ever lost before, but more importantly I am so happy! It's not just that I'm happy with my results, but I am literally happy every single day of this journey. I finally feel free of "dieting" and am just listening to myself and really taking care of myself mentally, physcially, emotionally...the best word for my life right now is contentment.

I always wondered what 100 pounds would look like...to some people it might look like this...get it?? 100 British pounds!! Haha! But to me it looks more like this....

100 Pounds.....

Hello world...

Hey everyone!

Just wanted to drop a quick note and let you all know that I am still alive and kicking...in fact I am really doing very well. Since my last post, I've gained a new perspective on myself.

Through a series of events, I feel like I have finally made friends with myself and with my body. I didn't realize what a war zone I have been in my entire life with myself. How much I didn't like my body and how mean I have been to myself. About the time of my last post (July 2010) I found two books that have really changed my outlook. One is "Intuitive Eating" and the other is "Women, Food, and God". These two books have really helped me to get change my thinking about losing weight. They have helped me realize why the (hundreds) diets that I have been on since about the age of 10 have really gotten me to where I am today. I had heard so many times that losing weight needed to be a lifestyle change, but I never understood that like I do now. I would highly recommend the books to anyone who wants clarity in their lives regarding health, wellness, and sanity! I don't want to sound like a wack-job or like I've drank the company Kool-aid or anything, but the insights I've learned from these books have completely changed my life. I hope you will check them out.

As a side note...since my July post...I've lost 48 pounds!

No More Hiding...

Hello everyone!

It is shocking to me that it has been nearly a year since my last post...and the truth is that I have been hiding from you! The last year has been brutal drive on the weight loss journey...filled with a several potholes and then the engine finally just exploded, and there I was, sitting fuming and disabled on the side of the road! I decided that I would write to you as soon as I got it under control and was able to lose the weight I had started to gain, but it as the months ticked by, I realized it wasn't happening.

So...unfortunately I have gained some of my weight back, a lot actually. The hard part about this is that I had PROMISED myself that this would never happen to me. I have seen it happen with friends, with family, and with celebrities on television (always thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have such a public battle). But the truth is that it has happened. It's not the first time I have lost weight and then gained it back...but that being said, it doesn't make it any easier either!

As I write this to you, I am not in the depths of despair...in fact I am feeling really good and hopeful and happy. Even though I have a whole closet pants and skirts that are a little too tight to wear at the moment, I recently have felt a resurgance of motivation and optimism. For a long time I thought that I was hiding my weight gain from everyone...and that if I didn't acknowledge it or say it out loud that it wouldn't really be true. Then it came to the point that I knew it must be obvious that I had gained weight again, but was too ashamed to talk about it, for some reason I felt like everyone would be disappointed in me, or be mad or disgusted with me...as if they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore OR spend time with me...like I thought they would be embarrased of me.

When the day came that I finally said it out loud to a girlfriend, she was surprised to hear how much I had gained, but that I was still her same beautiful, funny, sassy friend that I had been a year ago and that any change was all in my head. Now, I know that there has been an actual physical change in the size of my butt, but the fact is that I really am all of those things that she said I am. I am still attractive, I am still funny, I am still pretty darn sassy, and most of all, I am still on this difficult journey of finding the health and happiness I am searching for through losing weight.

Writing about it in this blog is really quite theraputic for me, and I look forward to recording my accomplishments, my thoughts, and even my setbacks....I've really missed that over the past several months.

Something to Celebrate

This week was my birthday. I have always loved having a birthday in August. It is the end of summer time and everyone is trying to still celebrate the warm weather and freedom before the changes of autumn come around.

This year, I decided to give myself a birthday present...I decided to give myself the gift of health, confidence, self-control, and a big thing for me right now...weight loss. I told all of my family and friends that I didn't want food to be a part of any of our celebrations. I was completely surprised at the reactions I got.

Every year I go to dinner with my parents around my birthday. This year, I told them I just wanted to go to a movie instead. My dad was so worried about it. He kept trying to find a way to work some kind of food into our night out. He told me that he knew I was trying to be more healthy, so he wondered if we could go out for a salad. I told him no. No food in our celebrations. Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring me some fruit and we could snack on it during the movie. I told him no. When we were sitting in the movie, he kept trying to talk me into a diet soda. I told him no. It was really hard for him not to want to celebrate with me with some kind of food.

I had countless friends who called me during the week who wanted to go out to dinner or lunch. I kept telling them no, that I would really like to do something that didn't involve food. At first people were at a total loss...but then we thought of a lot of other things we could do. During the week and with different friends I went for a walk, I played golf, I went shopping, I went to another movie, I started planning a vacation, I went and had my palm read, I went to a cabin with a bunch of friends and we ended up talking late into the night.

I really had a great week and learned that I am a strong person. It is really hard not to give in to the social pressures that surround us involving food. We use it to celebrate and to socialize and I learned that I don't need to use it that way. I can enjoy being with my friends and family wihtout having food being the center of the experience. That isn't to say that I am not going to enjoy food and that I am totally taking it out of my socializing, however I am saying that again I learned another lesson in control and in truly giving myself what I wanted for my own birthday. Because of this attitude and decision I lost another 3.5 pounds at my weigh in again this week! Hooray!

On Top of the World

Today was another great weigh-in...in the past two weeks I have lost another 9.2 pounds. It feels so good to be back in control of myself. I am doing everything that I know I should be doing.

In my job I eat out with wholesalers 3-4 times per week. Sometimes it is breakfasts and sometimes it is lunch. I have learned that I don't need to feel uncomfortable when I request my meal made without oils or butter, when I ask for my dressings and sauces on the side. At first all of the guys were giving me a hard time about it, but now I am seeing more and more of them trying to make healthy choices and be more aware of what they are eating.

Now that I am on a roll I am excited to keep the momentum going. I feel like my old self again. It feels so good to have my clothes start fitting better again. It was so hard the past couple of months as I could feel them getting tighter and tighter. I hated all of my clothes and didn't feel like I had anything to wear. There were some clothes that I had bought in February right before I got my kidney stones and was thrown in a weight gain tail-spin that I haven't been able to wear the past couple months. I am soooo glad that I caught myself before things got too out of control. Now I feel like I am on top of the world.

Whoo-hoo!

In my last post, I mentioned that I was looking forward for the first time in forever to weigh in on Saturday...and I wasn't disappointed...I lost 3.7 pounds this week and I am so excited! I am excited to be back on the wagon and back in the groove of things.

It's hard not to have a look at the calendar and my weight tracker and see how much time I have wasted and how far behind I am on my weight loss goals for this year, but the truth is that that line of thinking is not helpful or productive. I am where I am and there is no changing that! So, the only thing to do is to regroup and get back on it.

After my weigh in , I played in a golf tournament that turned out to be my best ever. I shot one under par and I know that part of the reason is the confidence and contentment that I am feeling with myself right now. Whoo-hoo!

Lost and Found (my mind that is)

So, after reading my last few posts, I can see that I had totally lost my mind! The good news is that I think I have finally found it again! Yippee!

This past week has been so normal, I have stayed within my points goal for Weight Watchers and have had some good exercise time. I have tracked my food intake and excercise to the letter. I am not sure why I sabotage myself, I feel so much better when I am eating right and exercising. Not only psychologically and emotionally, but I physically feel better. For the first time in a long time I am actually looking foward to my weigh in this Saturday!

Sometimes I Am Such a Head Case

Lately I have been thinking about some of the social pressures we are faced with as we go through each day.

For me, there are several that come to mind that I deal with everyday; those that come with being a woman, from being single, from being religious, and from being overweight. For me, the one that is the most negative, and also the one that I feel the most pressure for, is being overweight.

Virtually every time I walk in a room, I look around to see if I am the heaviest girl there. I do a mental check to see where I fit in relation to all of the other women there. Before I started losing weight, I would also have to do a visual check on the chair because if it had arms there was a good chance it was going to be a tight fit.

When I go to a restaurant I feel like I am being judged by everyone in room for what I order, so I try not to pick items too fattening or too healthy because I don't want to draw extra attention to myself.

When I go clothes shopping, I always think that the sales person is wondering if I can fit into the clothes in their store. (Now that I have lost quite a bit of weight, I can actually shop in "normal" stores now, so this is always on my mind when I enter them).

The truth of the matter is that I'm not sure when I became so self centered thinking that everyone in the world is actually thinking about me. Rationally I know that virtually every other person in the world is mainly thinking about themselves in one way or another. They are probably worried about what I am thinking about them, OR they are thinking about what they will do when they get off work, OR they could possibly be thinking that I am a nice, attractive, fun woman. Isn't that a novel idea?? There are pros and cons for us being such social creatures. I hope that going forward I can continue to improve my self image (not just what I see in the mirror) but mainly what I see in my head.

Hmmmm....what do you think?

So...I have been evaluating my weight loss efforts a lot lately and wanted to post a question...do you think it is easier or harder to lose weight in the summer?

My mind would normally tell me that it should be easier because the weather is nice and I am excited to be outside and be more active and because I have an intense desire to look better in less clothing (i.e. the dreaded swimming suit).

However, as I was evaluating the past couple of years and my weight loss tracking sheets, I have noticed that I have lost a lot more weight and lose it more consistently during the winter months. Hmmm....very interesting. As I am looking at my food trackers, it looks like I have a harder time eating healthy in the summer, which is really strange because of all of the fresh fruit and grilling opportunities for healthier food choices.

What do you think? And...does anyone have any ideas for what could help me out?

Not Much To Say

I don't have much to say today.

I have had a little bit of a hard week...I knew that I would gain some weight back since I was sure that most of the 16 pounds I lost last week had been due to dehydration. So, of the 16 pounds that I lost, I gained back 12 pounds. AARRGGHH!! Oh well, I am trying to look at it in a positive light and just think that I have lost 4 pounds all together in the last two weeks. Losing 16 and gaining 12 is a bit too much of an emotional rollercoaster for me! Yikes!

Food is NOT the Boss of Me!

On Thursday I went in for an appointment with my doctor to have a fill put in my lap band. Even though I have gained a little weight in the past couple of months, he was still very happy and supportive of the progress that I have made since the disaster with the kidney stones in February and having to have the band emptied. Now we are working to get the band at the proper fill volume for me. It's different for everyone and different for me depending on what weight I am at, so we both do the best we can to find my sweet spot.

Friday I headed to Arches National Park in Southern Utah for a weekend of camping, hiking, and river rafting with my friends. On the way down to the park (which is about 3.5 hours from my home) I started getting a little sick. Clearly my band had been filled a little too much, but I didn't realize it before we got on the road.

By the time we arrived in Moab I was really not doing well at all. I just kept puking my guts out (sorry...I know it is not a pleasant image) every time I ate any solid food. I didn't want to ruin the trip for myself or anyone else, so I put on a happy face and tried to enjoy myself...and I really did. There I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth hiking and loving the outdoors, and it didn't matter to me that I couldn't eat all of the yummy burgers, fries, and hot dogs that my friends were all eating. I just focused on keeping myself hydrated and enjoying all of the smoothies and other nutritious liquid meals I could find. Even though it was psychologically hard not being able to eat real food, I was happy to discover that I was strong enough that food was not going to determine whether or not I enjoyed myself.

I went in to see my doctor again today to get a little of the fill taken out of my band. Needless to say we were both SHOCKED to find out that I had lost 16 pounds in 4 days. I know that a lot of that is most likely from being a little dehydrated, but the lesson that I learned from this experience is that food is not as powerful as I had thought it was. In the past I have let food control my life. I used to find myself giving in to cravings or make excuses for poor food choices. Food is not in contol of me...I am in control of myself. It was really a very liberating experience and a good lesson for me. Hopefully I can use this 16 pounds as a kick start back on the weight loss road.

No Trespassing!

Sometimes I feel myself going down the scary road...do you know the one I mean? The scary road that begins with negative thoughts and has all sorts of pot holes and blind curves that lead to nothing but trouble? Thoughts like "I am not thin enough, not pretty enough, not fun enough...just plain not enough" OR "I will be happy when I lose weight, when I get married, when my butt stops jiggling when I walk, when...(fill in the blank)?

Well, I have decided that I am going to post a huge NO TRESPASSING sign at the beginning of that scary road. Fortunately, I have good friends in my life who can help me recognize when I have started down that path and can help me get off of it quickly and back on the road of happiness and contentment.

The mind is a powerful thing and I know that for me once I let negative thoughts start to pollute my brain waves those negative thoughts become toxic and start poisioning my life. No more! I am going to live by the "No Trespassing" mantra...I think I will have some T-shirts made! Who wants one? (For those of you following both of my blogs you will notice that this is a duplicate post...however it seemed to fit both parts of my split personality! haha!)

Time to take off the fat suit

Ok...so something weird is going on with me.

I have found that for the past 4 weeks I have been sabotaging my weight loss efforts...the worst part is that I am totally conscious of what I am doing. Last night I finally confessed it to a friend and felt a HUGE weight (no pun intended) come off of my shoulders.

Basically for the past couple of weeks I have found myself at the center of some weird phenomenom. Guys have started paying attention to me and asking me out on dates. The honest truth is that I am totally shocked and bewildered by this. Emotionally I don't quite know how to handle it. It is very exciting, and flattering, it has given me a lot of confidence and has boosted my self-esteem, but the emotion that I didn't expect was fear. I have found that virtually right after I get asked out, I start reaching for the Reeces' peanut butter cups or whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough. Even as I am putting this crap in my mouth I am completely conscious of my fear and of my self-destructive actions. As a result, I have gained 8 pounds in the past 4 weeks. AARRRGGGHHH!!

Because of this, I also haven't been to my Weight Watchers meeting in 4 weeks because I HATE listening to the worker ask me if I "expected a gain this week". I kept thinking I would get it under control and lose the weight, so I would go the next week and be the same or have lost. But it wasn't happening. I finally faced the music this morning and went to my meeting. So, yes, even though I have gained 8 pounds, I now feel ready to start the battle again.

I guess there is a part of me that has been thinking that the hardest part of my life is my weight struggle, but this epiphany has made me realize that the hardest part of my life is how I feel about myself at whatever size I am. I have been using my weight as a way to keep myself safe from getting hurt in a relationship. I think I have been using it as the reason why men wouldn't like me...because I am afraid it could be somthing else.

I want to be in a relationshp, I want to get married and have a family, so getting asked out and dating is a natural part of the process. I am hoping that as I go out with these guys I will be comfortable with myself and not worry that I have to continue to wear my fat-suit to keep them at a distance. Wish me luck girls!

Enjoying the moment

I am so grateful to have so many good friends in my life. This past weekend I went with a few friends to a cabin in the beautiful Utah mountains near my home. The one other girl who was there has also has had a struggle with her weight for her entire life. It is amazing how that one common thread can unite two people and how you can understand each other like nobody else can. Because I grew up with so many thin family members and friends, I often felt like I was living alone on an island and was the only member of my race still in existence. So, of course, we talked about weight and all of the baggage that comes with the battle of the bulge.

The interesting thing is that even though she is probably only 30 pounds away from her goal weight now, she still has "fat" thoughts...meaning she still has the same insecurities, she still thinks of herself as being heavier and is sometimes surprised and doesn't recognize herself in a mirror. It made me realize (yet again) what a mental and psychological struggle weight really is. Every morning when I look in the mirror my only thought is how far AWAY from my goal I really am instead of how far I have COME. It made me realize that I need to enjoy the moment. I need to remember all of my blessings and appreciate where I am in my current journey. I got out a bunch of pictures of myself over the past several years and was shocked (yet again) at how different I look and how proud I can be with myself and the 73 pounds I have lost.

Back on the Wagon

In September I started Weight Watchers...again...I had lost 73 pounds since I had my lap band surgery and had hit a plateau. I thought it would be helpful to join with a friend and really have a weight loss plan. Things started going really well. I was losing weight consistently and at a healthy pace, I actually got down to 98 pound loss! I was so excited to finally hit the 100 pound mark.

Everything got derailed in February when I got kidney stones. That was one of the worst experiences of my life! Because I was so nauseous and throwing up all the time, my doctor unfilled my band. So, my empty band coupled with the complications of the stone, caused me to slowly start putting weight back on. As of today I am back up to the 73 pound loss. It has been such a mental blow to me to gain back the weight and to basically have set myself back 8 months! I was really just out of the game.

I am finally back on the wagon and have made committments to myself to follow the program. I have gotten some fluid put back into my band, but really need to get another fill so that my band can help me with my weight loss war. I promise myself that I will keep track of my food, my activity, and stay within my points allowance. I KNOW that this works for me, I had such good success just a few months ago.

The Weight is Over

Aaahhh...I have basically been on a diet since I was 8 years old. I have literally lost hundreds of pounds over the years and unfortunately have also gained hundreds of pounds. I am still fighting the fight and am down 72 pounds from my high weight which was a little over two years ago.

I am excited to see that there is a fun and interactive place where I can voice my own weight loss challenges, celebrate my successes with fellow weight loss soldiers through inspiring and entertaining interactions.

Thanks so much!

70 Pounds Lost