Sometimes I Am Such a Head Case

Lately I have been thinking about some of the social pressures we are faced with as we go through each day.

For me, there are several that come to mind that I deal with everyday; those that come with being a woman, from being single, from being religious, and from being overweight. For me, the one that is the most negative, and also the one that I feel the most pressure for, is being overweight.

Virtually every time I walk in a room, I look around to see if I am the heaviest girl there. I do a mental check to see where I fit in relation to all of the other women there. Before I started losing weight, I would also have to do a visual check on the chair because if it had arms there was a good chance it was going to be a tight fit.

When I go to a restaurant I feel like I am being judged by everyone in room for what I order, so I try not to pick items too fattening or too healthy because I don't want to draw extra attention to myself.

When I go clothes shopping, I always think that the sales person is wondering if I can fit into the clothes in their store. (Now that I have lost quite a bit of weight, I can actually shop in "normal" stores now, so this is always on my mind when I enter them).

The truth of the matter is that I'm not sure when I became so self centered thinking that everyone in the world is actually thinking about me. Rationally I know that virtually every other person in the world is mainly thinking about themselves in one way or another. They are probably worried about what I am thinking about them, OR they are thinking about what they will do when they get off work, OR they could possibly be thinking that I am a nice, attractive, fun woman. Isn't that a novel idea?? There are pros and cons for us being such social creatures. I hope that going forward I can continue to improve my self image (not just what I see in the mirror) but mainly what I see in my head.

Hmmmm....what do you think?

So...I have been evaluating my weight loss efforts a lot lately and wanted to post a question...do you think it is easier or harder to lose weight in the summer?

My mind would normally tell me that it should be easier because the weather is nice and I am excited to be outside and be more active and because I have an intense desire to look better in less clothing (i.e. the dreaded swimming suit).

However, as I was evaluating the past couple of years and my weight loss tracking sheets, I have noticed that I have lost a lot more weight and lose it more consistently during the winter months. Hmmm....very interesting. As I am looking at my food trackers, it looks like I have a harder time eating healthy in the summer, which is really strange because of all of the fresh fruit and grilling opportunities for healthier food choices.

What do you think? And...does anyone have any ideas for what could help me out?

Not Much To Say

I don't have much to say today.

I have had a little bit of a hard week...I knew that I would gain some weight back since I was sure that most of the 16 pounds I lost last week had been due to dehydration. So, of the 16 pounds that I lost, I gained back 12 pounds. AARRGGHH!! Oh well, I am trying to look at it in a positive light and just think that I have lost 4 pounds all together in the last two weeks. Losing 16 and gaining 12 is a bit too much of an emotional rollercoaster for me! Yikes!

Food is NOT the Boss of Me!

On Thursday I went in for an appointment with my doctor to have a fill put in my lap band. Even though I have gained a little weight in the past couple of months, he was still very happy and supportive of the progress that I have made since the disaster with the kidney stones in February and having to have the band emptied. Now we are working to get the band at the proper fill volume for me. It's different for everyone and different for me depending on what weight I am at, so we both do the best we can to find my sweet spot.

Friday I headed to Arches National Park in Southern Utah for a weekend of camping, hiking, and river rafting with my friends. On the way down to the park (which is about 3.5 hours from my home) I started getting a little sick. Clearly my band had been filled a little too much, but I didn't realize it before we got on the road.

By the time we arrived in Moab I was really not doing well at all. I just kept puking my guts out (sorry...I know it is not a pleasant image) every time I ate any solid food. I didn't want to ruin the trip for myself or anyone else, so I put on a happy face and tried to enjoy myself...and I really did. There I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth hiking and loving the outdoors, and it didn't matter to me that I couldn't eat all of the yummy burgers, fries, and hot dogs that my friends were all eating. I just focused on keeping myself hydrated and enjoying all of the smoothies and other nutritious liquid meals I could find. Even though it was psychologically hard not being able to eat real food, I was happy to discover that I was strong enough that food was not going to determine whether or not I enjoyed myself.

I went in to see my doctor again today to get a little of the fill taken out of my band. Needless to say we were both SHOCKED to find out that I had lost 16 pounds in 4 days. I know that a lot of that is most likely from being a little dehydrated, but the lesson that I learned from this experience is that food is not as powerful as I had thought it was. In the past I have let food control my life. I used to find myself giving in to cravings or make excuses for poor food choices. Food is not in contol of me...I am in control of myself. It was really a very liberating experience and a good lesson for me. Hopefully I can use this 16 pounds as a kick start back on the weight loss road.

No Trespassing!

Sometimes I feel myself going down the scary road...do you know the one I mean? The scary road that begins with negative thoughts and has all sorts of pot holes and blind curves that lead to nothing but trouble? Thoughts like "I am not thin enough, not pretty enough, not fun enough...just plain not enough" OR "I will be happy when I lose weight, when I get married, when my butt stops jiggling when I walk, when...(fill in the blank)?

Well, I have decided that I am going to post a huge NO TRESPASSING sign at the beginning of that scary road. Fortunately, I have good friends in my life who can help me recognize when I have started down that path and can help me get off of it quickly and back on the road of happiness and contentment.

The mind is a powerful thing and I know that for me once I let negative thoughts start to pollute my brain waves those negative thoughts become toxic and start poisioning my life. No more! I am going to live by the "No Trespassing" mantra...I think I will have some T-shirts made! Who wants one? (For those of you following both of my blogs you will notice that this is a duplicate post...however it seemed to fit both parts of my split personality! haha!)

Time to take off the fat suit

Ok...so something weird is going on with me.

I have found that for the past 4 weeks I have been sabotaging my weight loss efforts...the worst part is that I am totally conscious of what I am doing. Last night I finally confessed it to a friend and felt a HUGE weight (no pun intended) come off of my shoulders.

Basically for the past couple of weeks I have found myself at the center of some weird phenomenom. Guys have started paying attention to me and asking me out on dates. The honest truth is that I am totally shocked and bewildered by this. Emotionally I don't quite know how to handle it. It is very exciting, and flattering, it has given me a lot of confidence and has boosted my self-esteem, but the emotion that I didn't expect was fear. I have found that virtually right after I get asked out, I start reaching for the Reeces' peanut butter cups or whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough. Even as I am putting this crap in my mouth I am completely conscious of my fear and of my self-destructive actions. As a result, I have gained 8 pounds in the past 4 weeks. AARRRGGGHHH!!

Because of this, I also haven't been to my Weight Watchers meeting in 4 weeks because I HATE listening to the worker ask me if I "expected a gain this week". I kept thinking I would get it under control and lose the weight, so I would go the next week and be the same or have lost. But it wasn't happening. I finally faced the music this morning and went to my meeting. So, yes, even though I have gained 8 pounds, I now feel ready to start the battle again.

I guess there is a part of me that has been thinking that the hardest part of my life is my weight struggle, but this epiphany has made me realize that the hardest part of my life is how I feel about myself at whatever size I am. I have been using my weight as a way to keep myself safe from getting hurt in a relationship. I think I have been using it as the reason why men wouldn't like me...because I am afraid it could be somthing else.

I want to be in a relationshp, I want to get married and have a family, so getting asked out and dating is a natural part of the process. I am hoping that as I go out with these guys I will be comfortable with myself and not worry that I have to continue to wear my fat-suit to keep them at a distance. Wish me luck girls!

Enjoying the moment

I am so grateful to have so many good friends in my life. This past weekend I went with a few friends to a cabin in the beautiful Utah mountains near my home. The one other girl who was there has also has had a struggle with her weight for her entire life. It is amazing how that one common thread can unite two people and how you can understand each other like nobody else can. Because I grew up with so many thin family members and friends, I often felt like I was living alone on an island and was the only member of my race still in existence. So, of course, we talked about weight and all of the baggage that comes with the battle of the bulge.

The interesting thing is that even though she is probably only 30 pounds away from her goal weight now, she still has "fat" thoughts...meaning she still has the same insecurities, she still thinks of herself as being heavier and is sometimes surprised and doesn't recognize herself in a mirror. It made me realize (yet again) what a mental and psychological struggle weight really is. Every morning when I look in the mirror my only thought is how far AWAY from my goal I really am instead of how far I have COME. It made me realize that I need to enjoy the moment. I need to remember all of my blessings and appreciate where I am in my current journey. I got out a bunch of pictures of myself over the past several years and was shocked (yet again) at how different I look and how proud I can be with myself and the 73 pounds I have lost.