Ok...so something weird is going on with me.
I have found that for the past 4 weeks I have been sabotaging my weight loss efforts...the worst part is that I am totally conscious of what I am doing. Last night I finally confessed it to a friend and felt a HUGE weight (no pun intended) come off of my shoulders.
Basically for the past couple of weeks I have found myself at the center of some weird phenomenom. Guys have started paying attention to me and asking me out on dates. The honest truth is that I am totally shocked and bewildered by this. Emotionally I don't quite know how to handle it. It is very exciting, and flattering, it has given me a lot of confidence and has boosted my self-esteem, but the emotion that I didn't expect was fear. I have found that virtually right after I get asked out, I start reaching for the Reeces' peanut butter cups or whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough. Even as I am putting this crap in my mouth I am completely conscious of my fear and of my self-destructive actions. As a result, I have gained 8 pounds in the past 4 weeks. AARRRGGGHHH!!
Because of this, I also haven't been to my Weight Watchers meeting in 4 weeks because I HATE listening to the worker ask me if I "expected a gain this week". I kept thinking I would get it under control and lose the weight, so I would go the next week and be the same or have lost. But it wasn't happening. I finally faced the music this morning and went to my meeting. So, yes, even though I have gained 8 pounds, I now feel ready to start the battle again.
I guess there is a part of me that has been thinking that the hardest part of my life is my weight struggle, but this epiphany has made me realize that the hardest part of my life is how I feel about myself at whatever size I am. I have been using my weight as a way to keep myself safe from getting hurt in a relationship. I think I have been using it as the reason why men wouldn't like me...because I am afraid it could be somthing else.
I want to be in a relationshp, I want to get married and have a family, so getting asked out and dating is a natural part of the process. I am hoping that as I go out with these guys I will be comfortable with myself and not worry that I have to continue to wear my fat-suit to keep them at a distance. Wish me luck girls!
I totally understand where you're coming from. I've always "hid" behind my fat, you know? I knew that people wouldn't pay much attention to me because I was fat, and I wouldn't have to be "out there". But once the fat goes away, people start looking at you in the eye, paying attention to you, and that is SCARY.
ReplyDeleteGive it some time - you will get used to the newfound attention. Glad you went back to your meetings!!
Hey cuz, we need to SERIOUSLY talk sometime. I just found your blogs...enjoy them both. But, my goodness how I resonate with so much of what you're writing. Although I've managed to have lost weight, and maintain my weight loss, some things are universal for those of us who have had weight issues, especially as young people during our formative year, I believe. Reading your blog is like going through a mental catalog of my mind. By the way, you're a very good writer! Looking forward to following both your blogs.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for saying that! It is seriously the hardest thing I have to deal with...I wish I could just figure IT out...whatever IT is. But I am beginning to realize that I will ever arrive, this is going to be a continuous journey for me.
ReplyDeleteBravo for not giving up & going back to your meeting.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice, but just wanted to offer my support!
Sounds like you do what I do. If I start "feeling skinny" even though I'm not, I act like I'm skinny...like I don't have to worry about what I eat. I wrote a post about this very thing about a month ago. I went out for the day and felt really good because my clothes were starting to loosen up a little and that's when the sabatoging happened! At least you are realizing it NOW. Now, you can do something about it. Get back on track and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog by the way!